If it is so, should I just fake it!

Including few other nice New Year resolutions, I also felt God is calling me to be “gentle and quite” (I Peter 3:1- 4). After reading these verse few times as a part of preparing for our 2013 Church retreat. I came to the realization this is it, I should be gentle and quite, this is my main Moto for 2014. Interestingly, I even decide to make a pledge to not wear much jewelry to beautify me but stay with a few same ornaments, until I became gentle and quite. I am this assertive person (aka strong willed). I would be the first person to raise the hand, when the air condition needed to be fixed in the class room with 500 other people. I am a woman with lot of words, lot means lot. I have this strong voice; I could speak without mike in the class with at least 100 people and still be heard well.

Now, I am trying to be quite and gentle, that meant in my dictionary, talking in low voice, using few words, not voicing my complaints to anybody, quickly refusing to take any compliment, and in core let people walk all over my head.

This was hard; really I felt the assertiveness is the essence of my makeup. It is a nature in me that was complemented by family, friends, and students alike. I am pretty sure that it is the nature that even God indent to use for His Glory. I prayed few times, I tried my best to be gentle and quite. But nothing seemed to work. This effort simply produced frustration within me, actually seemed like a battle between my nature and what I am trying to become. Nothing like, when we are trying to break free from bad habit but much more intense. Seemed like, I was trying to fight with who I was, the essence of me, becoming like an alien to myself.

I even said to myself, if it is so, should I just fake it!  That effort was a drama. Even my six month old baby could recognize something wired about the way I behaved. What a dangerous approach?

After that, I had this understanding; I would call it a revelation. My faithful God opened my eyes to the next important word that is sticking to these two words, “gentle and quite spirit”. That word made sense, tons of sense. There is fleshly gentle and quietness, and spiritually.

My creator is not calling me to be fleshly gentle and quiet but spiritually. How I was relieved! In no way I am pro at being quite and gentle spiritually, but definitely seemed logical, it aligned with my makeup.

I am not saying all our calls from God will be logical. As believers we are called to take some bold steps of faith. I am saying God’s call will mostly be logical and align with the tools that He already given us. That call will give peace and faith, not a battle within. More than anything that call will never put us in the spot to fake it.

 Despite so much grace that is needed in this path to become gentle and quite spirited woman. I have confidence; my God will make me an exact person, who He wanted me to be. But for now, I am sure not faking the fleshly gentle and quietness.

God Bless

How foolish was my mother’s heart?

I wanted my daughter,

To understand God’s love without being unloved by another human being,

 Be healed without being sick ever,

Be molded into His likeliness without being broken,

Be protected without being in danger,

Be saved without sinning,

Be provided without being in need,

Be comforted without crying.

How foolish was my mother’s heart?

 After few months of this journey. Finally! I laid her in His arms and said, “Lord, whatever it takes, do it to get her attention towards you. And, Keep her gaze upon you, in you more than anything.”

 Now I know, she might be hungry; broken; sinning; in danger; in lots of needs, but I also know that it will all work for her good. If, only she faithfully follows Him. I shifted my prayer focus to one thing, that she would love God with all her heart, soul, and mind. That prayer gives me hope, not everything will be good, but definitely in everything God will work for her good (Romans 8:28).

Quick application, there is nothing wrong in simple prayers for our children, to be happy and holy. It is much important to pray that they will LOVE OUR GOD.

God Bless.

Ahila Prabu

 

 

 

 

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.........

Are we called to Love our Mother-in- laws? I think the answer is yes, because we are called to love our enemies. It is a bad joke, I know, and it is even worse because it is in my MIL’s expense. I am willing to share with you something in openness and humility, the struggles of my role as a daughter in law, so stay focused it is a long post.

 If you are married women you are called to deal with three different family dynamics.

§  Once our- Mother, Father, Siblings, and so on,

§  Once our Husband’s- our Mother in law, Father in law, Brothers and Sisters in laws, and so on,

§  Actually our – us, and kids.

 With or without our awareness the first two dynamics influence the third one majorly. For that reason, I am writing this blog post. In this post, I write mostly about the once mine, and my husband’s family dynamics. And the lessons I learned living in the midst. I don’t like to address these families like once mine and once his, as they are still our extended family, so just going to address it as family number one, family number two  (definitely not according to priority, see my actual family is numbered three).  I didn’t love my family 2 well, well as I was called to. Not because they were my enemies, but simply because they were different, very different. If, I need to explain in one word the dynamics of the family number1, and 2. I would say it is truth and love. Yep, I was reared as truth is a most important dynamic, even though it hurts people (sometimes hurts hardly). I saw something different in family 2’s dynamic; you talk in love, love like crazy, even though it is not true at times. Sometimes too much love in the talk might be interpreted as not being truthful, and taking too much truth might be interpreted as not loving (but it is not true, we can absolutely talk truth with love). This was a struggle in our life in the beginning (still at times); my husband felt that I do not love because I was talking blatant truths. I felt he was not truthful because he spoke with so much love (only love, including white lies). I later learned we are called to talk the truth with love, so in the pursuit of building my third family with love and truth.

 Not loving your second family well can create some friction in the third family. In spite of being in good awareness of this happening in our life, I was still in rebellion. I don’t know where the circle started? seemed like it was an endless circle of, I hurting them, they hurting me more, and I hurting them more an more ( I wouldn’t deny the fact that they really tried to stop this circle, they were not happy about this too). Remember nothing beautiful happens, when deprived people get together and try to break a circle. Then one day, God “showed up” (intervened) and a wonderful thing happened. I was called to love! Love them from my heart, not because the law called me to love, but because I loved Him who called me to love. Immediately I took a decision to love them intentionally. After few days of this decision (I even forgot about that decision). I called them as I would regularly, spoke with them for few minutes, just a regular talk, and after that never really thought much about that. To my amazement, my husband told, “Mom and dad are very happy in the way you spoke to them; they said that they felt so much love in the way even as you addressed them” Wow! How wonderful? I was addressing them with the same title, as I was addressing them from the first day of our marriage (even before our marriage). But, what made a difference? How loud our heart is exposed in our words?  As I was thinking this in my heart, I just mumbled, “Oh! That’s sweet.” I never said anything more.

 Actually, deep in my heart there was another hindrance, which was stopping me from loving them. I felt guilty for loving them completely; loving them as family 1, somehow I felt that is betraying my family 1.  Then, I realized in the light of my Redeemer’s word, that guilt is rooted in lie, lie that comes from the ultimate enemy.

Any time, I meditated on the life of Ruth, I wondered, what could have made her to stick with her mother in law, even when her husband was no more? For many years, I “loved” them for my husband’s sake. But now I love them, love them for my Savior thus I love them well. Anything done for purely another human being without God in the picture cannot be done well, even if that is your husband, the same act that is done for God can be done well, well as it is meant to be.  In Ruth’s story the words that touched my heart is when Ruth saying, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” What a profound words, can I say these words? Yes, I can! Holding hands of my Savior to love my families well, all of them, really well.

 For some of you, you may not be able to say that, “Your God my God” that is still ok, but that is not an excuse for not loving them, not loving them well as we are meant to. Our purpose is to love our God and our neighbors, lets us start that work of love, from our own family.

God Bless.

Humbled by His truth every single day,

Ahila Prabu

 

Craziest Husband

Five years of covenant relationship, yes! Five years ago I made this rather radical promise to this stranger (it was an arranged marriage). Promise to live together in highs and lows, in wellness and sickness, until death do us apart. My only trust was in my God who is faithful (arranged also by my God, I believe.). Really some ups and downs, without His grace, we wouldn't celebrate today. Marriage is a sharpest tool my Savior uses to rub my hardest edges. Sanctification we call, and yes it is mostly done through marriage, I am convinced. My honest confession is, this is the one place I miserably fail, but keep getting up, walking holding the hands of my faithful God. Please don't mistaken me, my husband is as sweet as he could be, as Lysa TerKeurst mentioned “Even a great husband makes a very poor God". He couldn't fill all that I need, he is not even equipped to do that.

As I read my bible verse on my anniversary day, God spoke to me through these verses,

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands, for this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.”  1 peter 3

I was convicted, I knew in my heart it is right to obey my authority, and submit to my husband. God has spoken to me in many different situations about this but this time after I poured my heart and ask God to bless our marriage, in our wedding anniversary day. This is what He says, “SUBMIT”. My arrogance to submission is a real problem. Knowing I might fail many more times, I took a pledge and said, “Lord I will obey you, help me Lord to see when I am not submitting, and give me grace so I will submit, I don’t want to be the hindrance for our marriage being blessed”.

I got ready and happily came down, I don’t know if it is a test from my Lord or a trick from my enemy, my husband came down with the red pants and a very dark shirt. Red is blood red pants. I asked God, “What am I supposed to do? Should I let him go with this attire to church on our wedding anniversary? Should I let him be the object for laugh? More than anything what will people think about me?(how right James 4:1-2 is)”  And I said to myself, “Any way presenting my opinion is not un-submission it is just a suggestion” I told him, “this attire looks so funny, do you really want to wear this today?” He is very determined and said, YES. Ok, now my controlling face came out, “Lord I will submit but not when he is crazy like this”. Then Lord reminded me the later part of this verse, “Crazy, who could have a crazier husband than Sarah? Just think, a husband wants to sacrifice the son (son born after tremendous battle with infertility). Who could be crazier than that? But she still submitted to his will. Why you can’t just let him wear what he wants, it is not even submitting, but just not controlling.”

 The context here is Lord can take our submission and use it for his glory, He can use it as a means to bless our marriage. I don’t believe in sacrificing children, and I don’t encourage you to obey your husband when he is causing any harm to you or your children. Abraham had a very direct revelation, God indeed spoke to him directly and Sarah had witnessed it first-hand. We don’t have that kind of privilege. On top anything else, God sacrificed his Son for all our sins once for all thus no more lives need to be sacrificed. I am trying to just emphasis the importance of our submission in order for our marriages to be blessed. I think, if Sarah had submitted none of us have an excuse. J

God Bless.

 

Not Just another Dedication

Dedication seems to be this very common word and event. As a person started this journey to follow Jesus whole hearty for more than a decade, dedication became a very common word, after getting married in the pastor’s family this word became much more common, as my father-in-law almost practice this every day of his work. Now this season of my life, gives me different prospect of this word dedication, we are planning to dedicate our little Nesia to Jesus Christ. Ever since this date is confirmed, I have been pondering about this word dedication, also all the things I have dedicated.

When I first received Christ, I dedicated my life to him, ever since all I did with my life was to live for myself, other than few honest prayers for others, and minimal support to poor’s (out of guilty and abundance) nothing much. Even before, starting my career I dedicated my career, hardly I remember my God while at work. Other than throwing one or two bible verses in my class (in the hope that would touch some of my students) nothing much at all. Well before, even I knew my husband, I dedicated my marriage to God, ok this is a big joke, really a joke. How much I have humiliated my faith boldly, even in front of unbelievers. Other than us both attending church, and using some spiritual slogans to point each other’s fault, not much of our marriage is dedicated to him.

 Yes our car, house, even laptop which is not “dedicated”? Car is used to take us to church, house is used to pray, and laptops is used to listen bible (very few chapters every day). Is this what dedication means? Please don’t mistaken me, I am not going through this guilt trip, but really examining the things I dedicated. I know I still have hope, I could rededicate and use all this things in a right way to its fullest, Even if I didn’t do it, I want to do this dedication right, yes I want to really dedicate my daughter to Him. At least until she is under my care, actually I want to dedicate myself to do every single thing that will make her into what HE INTENDED HER TO BE. I DON’T WANT TO FAIL IN THIS DEDICATION. I don’t want this to be JUST ANOTHER DEDICATION.

Dedicated means having single minded loyalty, have no other purpose but just that. Doesn’t mean I am not going to do anything else, In the role as a mother this is my purpose, to do all that to pour her into the mold that is created for her, by her Maker that is the priority of my motherhood journey. I know every single step will be a battle, battle with my selfishness, battle with my daughter’s sinfulness, battle with the enemy who will do everything to make me take this dedication lightly. But, I am pledging to myself, pledging to my daughter, on top of all this I am pledging to my savior (who is faithful), this is not JUST another dedication.

 

 Angry outburst may not have the power to destroy deep relationships, but it sure erodes the layers and make them look uglier. 

First lesson of my motherhood journey

“Praise the Lord”, this sentence might only express very little of my gratitude to my God for this beautiful gift of life, that He created in my womb, and culminated in my hands now. What a privilege, yes I am a mother to this beautiful, perfect little Girl. If I say, “she is a miracle”, some of my friends might get offended, as they are really fighting for the miracle baby. Five years of marriage, two years of serious trying, two miserable losses, one hospital stay during pregnancy, multiple medications and injections, other than that this was an event less journey. Exhausting labor and beautiful end, oh! Forgot to praise God and thank my anesthesiologist for the magical epidural. Anyways, we named our daughter NESIA- meaning miracle of the LORD. We all agree any child is miracle, ok she is definitely our little miracle.

First few week of my motherhood, even though exhausting, with lots of help, and high rush of my adrenaline, it was super exciting. I couldn't quite get the words to explain the joy of the “new mom”. In the third week this reality hits, my sweet baby got her first flu. In spite of friends saying I am over reacting and my mom consoling it is quite normal. I can quite justify my agony, any mom can relate with that emotion. Your three weeks old baby is coughing every 5 minutes or so, and in the end make some sounds as though it is bothering her so much. It is hard to watch.

As my husband enter into our room after work, I ran to him and trying to hide my tears, said," she didn't sleep the whole night, was coughing every five minutes, I am very scared". My spiritually simple husband (comparatively), held me close and whispered," Even though, she is our little angel, she is a human, and has her own share of sin and suffering, that we can't change".

How I wanted to tell him, how amazingly he touched my spiritually swollen (comparatively) mind by his simple words. How he leads me naturally, what a profound and first lesson in my motherhood is taught in his simple words. But I just instead asked," You don't think I am overreacting, do you?” He held me closer and said, "Absolutely not, we will go to the hospital and check just in case." Rest of the story is our family business.

P.S- Nesia is doing absolutely fine now, what a scary first cold, what a profound first lesson.

God bless.